I’m gonna preface this with the fact that I hate Tim Burton. Like, truly despise. Every time he makes a new movie, every hot topic shopping shit heel creams their pants while I drop to my knees and shake my fists furiously at the gods. This is because the man makes the same god damn movie every time. Seriously, it’s like watching a joke on SNL. The only movie that was slightly different was “Sweeney Todd”, and that was because it has singing in it. The man is only capable at making “pretty movies”. Everything else is garbage. Before this becomes a hate train of Tim Burton, let me get to his latest cinematic afterbirth.
This is not a remake or a adaptation of old Alices. This is a sequel of sorts, the mindless, numbing sequel only Burton can make. Alice (Mia Wasikowa) here is 19 years old and is about to be married off before she stumbles back down the rabbit hole. But alas, Alice doesn’t remember being here in the first place. She thinks its a dream. So we get to see what we know has happened already happen again. JOY! Here we get the original characters brought to live either by live action or cgi. On the live action front, we have the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), The Red Queen (Helena Butthole Carter), The White Queen (Anne Hathaway, my wife so back the fuck off) and the Knave of Hearts (Crispin Glover). CGI brings us the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen), the March Hare (Paul Whitehouse), Absolem (Hans Gruber), the jabberwocky (Christopher Lee) and the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry).
Everyone in the live action portion sucks dick. Except for Anne Hathaway, but she’ll always get a pass from me. Mia Wasikowa just has nothing to work with. Helena Butthole Carter just sucks, trying way too hard and yet not hard at all at being a villain. Crispin Glover proves once again why he never fucking works because he sucks at being anything other than George McFly. And Johnny Depp just doesn’t try at all here. He has like three different voices, seemingly forgetting he’s playing one character. This is just him playing dress up with his butt buddy Burton again. Sweet christ, nothing works with these characters.
The cgi on the other hand works a little better. The characters are still pointless because we are working in a pointless movie, but they fare better. The March hare gets points just for being fucking insane. The white rabbit feels like the white rabbit of old so good job. Absolem is just there to push Alice into where the script says she should be. The jabberwocky gets his fucking head cut off, oh noes spoilers. But the cheshire cat is a pimp and I love him. So good job nailing about three characters in the whole movie Tim, better average than your Batman movies.
What I love about Tim Burton is that he is so up his own ass. He said he wanted to add an emotional essence to the movie cause he never felt it with the others. He said they just felt like scene after scene with no cohesion. Well congrats Timmy, you made one even less sensical. Nothing happens for a reason. He also shoves the Mad Hatter in too as many scenes as possible. He also turns this fucking movie into a shitty version of “Lord of The Rings”.
I haven’t always hated Burton. He was good in the 80s. But I feel after “Batman Returns”, he just said fuck it look at all the 0s. He’s in such a rut. He’s decided gothic, shitty style is better than story or character or dialogue. People bash “Avatar” for being pointless and ham fisted. Well at least Cameron knows how to make a movie in the technical sense. He makes an actual good looking movie with some great action where Burton makes a shitty cartoon with such terrible action and “3d”. I quote 3d because he shot it in 2d and converted it, basically doing what Cameron said makes people hate 3d. Just another in a long line of bad decisons by Burton.
So lets see. Terrible acting, terrible dialogue, non existent script, bad effects, lame action, Johnny Depp getting paid for nothing as usual and Helena Bonham Carter only being in the movie because she can stomach seeing Burton nude. Fuck this movie. This is truly the death kneel of Burtons creativity. I’m sure Hot Topic is laughing all the way to the bank.
3 out of 10.
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